Category Archives: Spoof

It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish – or is it?

Bring me the head of Richard Scudamore

Bring me the head of Richard Scudamore

Is the sequence of clubs and points differential defined in the current Premier League table the one which would satisfy most fans – something of which Jeremy Bentham would approve?

Barclays Premier League Table

 
Team P W D L F A GD Pts
Last updated 9 days ago
Arsenal 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Aston Villa 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Burnley 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Chelsea 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Crystal Palace 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Everton 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Hull 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Leicester 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Liverpool 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Man City 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Man Utd 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Newcastle 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
QPR 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Southampton 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Stoke 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Sunderland 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Swansea 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Tottenham 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
West Brom 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
West Ham 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

 

So Arsenal win the title, and Tottenham get relegated. There is no sequence which could possibly satisfy the fans of both clubs and Arsenal have the larger fan base. This would constitute their dream season.

Villa and Burnley fans will be ecstatic over their Champions League finish. Prince William and Alastair Campbell equally happy – which can’t have happened too often.

Chelsea at least get in to the Champions League, and miss out on the title on goal difference – the gob on Mourinho would be worth a look.

Palace fans would accept their second best ever season – Tony who?.

Everton always finish sixth.

Hull and Leicester will be perfectly happy with a top-half finish.

Fans of Liverpool, Man City and Man Utd will be distraught. However fans of all other clubs would be delighted and there are in total far more of them – something of which Stalin was aware. 

Newcastle fans enjoy being (well, certainly looking) disappointed, and can console themselves that one place behind Man Utd wasn’t so bad.

QPR, Soton, Stoke, Sunderland and Swansea will all be delighted to avoid the drop and in most instances surprised.

Tottenham we’ve already dealt with.

West Brom and West Ham fans both know it’s coming, and at least they had a chance at the last game of the season.

What’s not to like?

Thanks to Pete Smith for all the best bits of this post.

 

Everton vs WBA – Player Ratings 20 January 2014

LBTim Howard – Everton’s American footballer took inspiration from the Seattle Seagulls’ and the Denver Bronchials’ Superbowl semi-final wins, passing for yardage, making interceptions and NO FUMBLES! 10/10

Seamus Coleman – Refused to sulk after traumatically losing his “Most Irish Name In The Dressing Room” title to Aiden McGeady and ran all night. He may still be running now. 10/10

Phil Jagielka – Captained the side the way Jason captained the Argonauts, though without a skeleton army to confront (at least, not in this match, but who knows in the Europa League?). 10/10.

Sylvain Distin – Never gave Nicholas Anelka a sniff of a goal, so sparing us a celebration rumoured to be based on a French comedian’s interpretation of the Mel Brook’s classic, “Springtime For Hitler”. 10/10

Leighton Baines – The man they’re calling The New Paul Breitner (but without the hair, nor the Marxism) put in another performance that will have caught Roy Hodgson’s eye (if he’s not watching Chelsea Reserves). 10/10

James McCarthy – Everton’s Mr Consistent showed why he’s favourite to win all those Player of the Season Awards* come May. (*Please note – does not include the Player of the Season Awards to be won by Gareth Barry, Seamus Coleman or Ross Barkley). 10/10

Gareth Barry – Everton’s Mr Consistent showed why Manchester City’s midfield are missing him so much with another magnificent display of “Getting it, Giving it and Fouling it”. 10/10

Leon Osman – The man they call The Chorley Iniesta (stupid nickname – he’s not from Chorley) played the first yard in his head – and sometimes the second and third yards too. Now older than his manager, his experience was vital in the middle of the park. 10/10.

Steven Pienaar – “Groundnuts” was always looking for the killer pass, but mainly knocked it back for Bainesy to have a go instead. Managed to avoid invoking the help of The Almighty (Duncan Ferguson) for the whole 90 minutes. Very convincing impression of Bryan Oviedo throughout the 90 minutes – he must have honed that at the annual Everton Christmas Talent Show. 10/10

Kevin Mirallas – The impact sub was played out of position (starting) in the absence of Ross Barkley, Gerard Deulofeu and next week’s newcomer, but did a sterling job supporting Romelu Lukaku’s haircut. 10/10

Romelu Lukaku – Failed in his attempt to slip into his old stamping ground disguised as a huge black guy, but without dreadlocks. Always looked likely to score, if not to visit the barber’s for a while. 10/10.

Nil Satis Nisi Optimum – As Roberto Martinez will confirm, that’s Spanish for “We’re all waiting for Ross and Gerard to get fit again”. Hi Ho Sylvain! The Loan Arranger marches on!